(This is an extended version of a ‘confession’ I shared today with the very supportive Calmer Community facebook group, who champion the importance of health and wellbeing for entrepreneurs, and challenge the stereotype of the glamorous lifestyle often assumed to go along with running (or attempting to run) your own business.)
Mixed feelings this #WellbeingWednesday. I don’t ‘do’ self care. I feel guilty if I allow myself to stop or slow down. I am afraid that, if I stop, I will never start again. Much like my fear that, if I stop counting calories and forcing myself to exercise everyday, I will become a fat, lazy failure. To me, I am already ‘a failed anorexic’ as I know I will never feel ‘thin enough’- but isn’t that exactly the definition of eating disordered thinking?! Anyway, I had planned to get up three hours earlier than I actually did today. I wanted to do a workout or go for a run, clean the flat and THEN go to my day job, so that my evening would be free to focus on my own writing, the online course I have just started, and to work on my business. But I was exhausted, and I slept in and, as a consequence, have felt guilty and lazy all day, and nothing has seemed to go right since. I tried to go for a run this afternoon, but it was so windy I could barely move. I have cleaned the flat, but nothing feels clean. Even though I know I needed the extra sleep, and I know I have done my best, I still feel like today has been a failure and I haven’t really ‘achieved’ anything. So I felt I needed to 'confess' what I perceive as a 'failure', and the only place I felt I could do that this morning was the Calmer Community facebook page. This group was set up to encourage entrepreneurs to lead more balanced lifestyles, whilst still pursuing their personal and professional goals. It acknowledges the pressure that so many of us- regardless of our employment status- put on ourselves to do more and appear more ‘successful’ than is even possible. The cliché of the entrepreneur (or anyone really) who gets up, works out, drinks a green smoothie and writes a blog post before everyone else has even hit the snooze button, is really highly irritating to those of us who just don’t have those energy levels- whether that is because their physical or mental health is suffering, or just because they are human! Basically, the wellbeing and sanity of people trying to 'do it all' is often overlooked, because it is assumed they are coping. And I guess I just wanted to highlight that, although it may sound exciting to be pursuing my ‘dream career’, using my writing to express myself and to support others to do the same; although it may appear that I ‘like being busy’ (I don’t by the way, I just don’t have a choice!); that I am actually not coping very well at all. Oh, and that it’s OK not to be OK- in fact, it’s kind of normal! I appreciate this may never be read but, if I've learnt anything from my work as a writing for wellbeing enthusiast, it's that getting it all out, and the potential for my words to be 'heard' by others, is where the magic lies. So I am practicing what I preach. And at least I have now achieved one thing today- a new blog post- and all because I used my writing to process my feelings, reached out to others for support and shared my experience honestly. So maybe I CAN do this self care thing after all…
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The Pocket PoetI got 99 jobs and a poet ain't one. Archives
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